She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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