this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
