lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
