If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
