You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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