i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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