so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
