So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
