Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize