and she was petting her beer can
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm sobbing to NWA
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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