watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize