i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
