I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
