oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
