I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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