i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
