Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize