I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
