I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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