You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
