We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
