I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
