My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
