Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
