WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
