dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
