so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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