They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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