So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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