she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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