4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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