My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
