she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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