South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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