I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
