Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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