I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
