Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
