You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
