70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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