Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
