Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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