I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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