He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Randomize
