So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
