So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
