I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
