ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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