Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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