Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
