My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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