My sheets look like a crime scene.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
