Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
