I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
