I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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