yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
organizing the empties. That sober.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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