I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
