What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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