Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I don't think brook has ever known best
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
