This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
