How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
