when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
A+ Viking dick
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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