I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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