So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
